If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
