My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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