last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
