Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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