I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
