come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
