He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
