He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
