thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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