it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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