walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
