god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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