I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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