I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
