I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
