You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
