I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Someone shit on the floor
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Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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