2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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