o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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