i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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