"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
