just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
