Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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