She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
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It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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