I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
