My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
