So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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