The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
