Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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