Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
