I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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