Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
