we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
