A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
