I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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