He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
