you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
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I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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