I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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