Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
