We're facebook friends in real life
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
