the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
