How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
