Just cropdusted the office
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
