i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
