Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
