First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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