just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
