It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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