I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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