On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
did i walk over a car last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
