So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am available for nakedness
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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