oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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