Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
